Less than 1%

The passing rate for the exam in April. To beat that kind of odds is nothing short of a sign confirming that hard work does pay off. I feel relieved, inspired and determined but now is not the time to relax, celebrate or take a break. Our environment is constantly evolving and one is either progressing or regressing. In life there will inevitably be new and bigger challenges on the horizon, harder exams and better results to pursue.

There's a concept out there called "who's wearing your shirt." It goes something like everyone has shirts for something they support like a favorite sport team or alma mater. The reversed question is, who is supporting you? To succeed we all need people who believes in us and cheers us on. I have the best fans and here are some of their comments:

"Hard work, good genes, tenacious personality, clean drug record, the right attitude, decent karma and a little fairy dust sure go a long way! But 1%...I am truly impressed. CONGRATULATIONS!" - Rose

"It's phenomenal.
It's unbelievable.
Against all odds, you have taken the beach.
Now, it's on to Berlin." - Jody

Thank you for believing in me. It motivates me to work harder to make you proud. 

Unconditional Hug

The saying goes that a picture is worth a thousand words. A hug is often times worth exponentially more than both of those combined. I know a lot of people believe in me and are always with me in spirit. Still, it hasn't been easy being alone. Some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days when I feel like I can barely carry my own weight. 45 minutes of driving and I cried the whole way home. The things we waste our time on to try to understand, justify, validate, none of them are prerequisites of deep empathy. What I need is an unconditional hug. 

Stress Management

A month came and went since my last big exam. Still no news. The uncertainty of the outcome of the first exam and stress of preparing for another has raised my anxiety level to an all time high. I often think back to the summer of preparation prior to my senior recital as a way for self awareness of my mental state and perhaps more importantly to draw inspiration and encouragement from something I had succeeded in the past. The years at Eastman, although stressful and challenging, were some of the best times in my life. And because of those experiences, I am all too familiar with the paradigm and mental challenges of preparing for a high-stake exam: the gradual increase in awareness, the process breaking down and rebuilding troubling elements, new problems manifest in places where they've never occurred, reaching breaking point of stress, backing down from anxiety, re-evaluate/refocus, the eventual realization of all one can really do is giving 110% and let success find its way to you.

If not periodically offloaded the interior of an overactive mind is no less malignant than the physical resident of one of the individuals on that hoarder show. I can't be certain if lack of blog updates has adversely affected my stress level but as I'm launching a full assault on the stress villain every little bit helps. Writing is therapeutic. Rather than constantly juggling all my thoughts at once, writing forces me to distill, reorganize and transfer my thoughts to external storage, the blog. It also gives me the impression that my thoughts are heard and shared, which I find comforting.

In an effort to reduce stress I've also stopped carpooling to work. I find it more relaxing and easier to think when I'm driving alone. And as the saying goes, the fist step to recovery is admission. I openly acknowledged my stress to friends and allowed myself to "burden" them with my anxiety, something I have traditionally kept to myself convinced that no one else should have to deal with my troubles. In additional to sorting out some mental issues I slowed down my study and went for a long massage and met up with Cassie for a pedicure. Again, every little bit helps, right?

After all here are the advises that I plan to adhere to religiously for the next 30 days: study as if my life is dependent on it; relax knowing that my life doesn't depending on it; think positively and realize that my success is guaranteed one way or another. And at end of the day none of it matters for people who love me will always love me.

One Down One to Go

Years ago, I remember being very nervous at the final rehearsal leading up to my senior recital. My professor listened to me run through my program and then said in a very calm voice, "when you play just remember: we are all here because we love you." It wasn't enough to completely subdue my nerves at the time but it's something I've always keep close to my heart.

Very feel people really gets me. Whose who do, I know, loves and cares about me deeply. There are days when I feel lonely or down. There are friends I don't talk to very often, family that I don't visit. Never are they far from my thoughts and never are there days when I don't feel that I'm loved.

I'm here because of those who loved me and for that I'm eternally grateful. And because you loved me so deeply I want to do my best to make you proud. It was a hard lesson to learn but accomplish something takes more than just a gut instinct and a initial jump start from a fortunate disposition never carries one far enough to the finish line. Now I that know, I will do all I can so that your love and belief in me was not in vein.

These were my thoughts as I drown down to St. Louis last Sunday for one of the hardest exams I've ever taken. I don't know if I passed but I did do everything I can to prepare for it. One down, one more to go. I feel like I'm in a relay except I'm the only one running. I'm tired but now is not the time to rest. The best is yet to come. 

A New Chapter

Another day to relax before going back to the grind. The afternoon was spent on Dorado beach, about a half hour away from downtown. The drive there through the forest and montains was beautiful. The beach has long been a favorite hangout spot for the locals on the weekend. It's low tourist season now so the beach was sparse other than a few local families. The town is less built here and once you walk pass the public beach there is a long strech of untainted soft sand, palm trees and blue water.

I walked on the beach for a long time, taking in the sun. The water was warm, almost surreal. Unable to shut off my mind I thought, this is how it's going to be: me, alone in paradise.

Some women are blessed with wonderfully pleasing temperment, some are gifted with the skills to create such illusion, I manage to be an epic fail at either. Enough time has been wasted being delusional in thinking that somewhere out there in the big world there is someone for a little messed up weirdo like me. It's time to put that thought to rest and move onto plan B.

There is no guaranty in life and the only way to predict the future is to create it. Nothing is permenant except what I create as my own: knowledge, experiences and small realizations of life. There is no short cut or knight on a white horse. Now it's the time to spit out that apple pit and get my shit together.

This is not cynicism nor do I feel even the slightest sense of defeat. Life is complicated and even more so are relationships. It is what it is and I'm ok with it.

After a period of confusion, sadness, disappointment and even panic, I'm ready to turn the page and start a new chapter. The intermission is over. For the first time in ten years my mind is clear and I can feel strongly about something, something I can manage. Strong? I don't know but resilient I would like to be. I can actually say I'm happy.

In order to get a jump start on the next chapter this blog will be put on hold until June 15th so I can focus...like a wirewalker. :) Don't worry if you don't hear from me. Keep your fingers crossed for me. All is well. Stay tuned.

San Juan, PR

I have arrived. The view from the condo is beautiful. I can finally relax now. Everything is taken care of. Having already seen the popular sights years ago I'm now perfectly content to just sit on the balcony and watch the waves crashing onto shore. Last night I went to bed and thought this is not a clock radio! There's a real ocean outside! For a second I thought I can really get use to this but who am I trying to kid, I'm a stressholic. Still, for two days I'm going to try my best to relax and clear my mind. No work, no workout, no diet, no plans, no anxiety, no panic attacks, no stress. Leave all that behind. For now it's just me, the sun, the sea and yaucono con leche.

Now Focus...

Like a wirewalker. 

The Visit

Every trip back from mom is filled with tears and this one was no exception. Family things can be so complicated there's no need to dive into the details. Mom just have a unique gift of making me feel like I wish I was never born.
For the first time my step brother came down from Chicago with his new girlfriend for mom's birthday. We thought about going out for dinner but my hardworking parents labored all day for a lovely dinner at home. I felt a little bad for all the preparation that went into it but I think they were happy. Late in the evening I made a few comments on how I'm tired of being single out in the middle of nowhere. Mom said, oh, I know why you're still single. I thought: here we go again with a thousand and one things I need to improve on but rather than the usually stubbornness, intolerant, argumentative, lack of femininity and gracefulness she said "you're too conservative." Wow, I've heard a lot of adjectives about me over the years, good and bad, but conservative just never came up.