Frustration

I might not have many talents but when it comes to stress I’m the expert. I was stressed when I was in school; I was stressed when I was on vacation; I was stressed when I was working; I was stressed out in Argentina; I was stressed out in Vegas and now I’m stressed out in Rochester. What’s worse than being stressed out all the time is that I somehow have the natural ability to disguise most of it and appear perfectly fine to others. So I don’t even get a sympathy hug. Next time when I get an opportunity to answer such question as “What is your greatest weakness?” I’ll have to say my inability to express intense emotions other than rage. I’m not the kind person who breaks down easily or act super excited at surprise parties. I’m never excessively nervous or dramatic. I’d probably make a bad Italian except when it comes to arguments. I’m so stressed out all the time that my shoulders are undoubtedly the toughest muscle in my body.

I’m getting pretty frustrated with job hunting and that’s an understatement. After four and half years of school, 2 degrees, and 90K in tuition I have zero employability. I have seen zero return on that investment. I have easily applied 200 jobs just this year (including 20 last night) and heard zero call back.

Yesterday I started to study for GMAT. Sentence correction problems are kind fun considering I just taught English in Argentina for couple of months.

Last night I looked up information on actuary exams and thought about getting down and dirty with some statistic books. For some reason working in statistics or accounting has always been one of my worst fears along with working at a highway toll booth. Mom always nagged me to take those exams even though statistics was by far my worst subject in school. Well, that and music theory. Everyone thinks just because I’m Asian I should automatically be good with numbers. I have no problems with number as long as we’re talking about 5^th grade math, the usual +, -, x, /. If someone told me 6 years ago that I’d consider being an actuary I probably would have ended my life right there.

Knowing how difficult it is to get a job in finance nowadays I have channeled most of my search into secretarial jobs. I can read, write, type, answer phone calls and file. What exactly are they looking for? I actually saw one posting on Career Builder looking for someone with a secretarial science degree. I didn’t even know such thing existed!

I know I’m ranting a lot here but it’s frustrating that I have no one to complain to. Nobody understands how stressed out I am. Everyone just tells me that I’m a smart cry baby and if I try hard enough I can get a job just like the rest of the people in the country. I know plenty of average people with jobs but I don’t know what exactly I need to do to get one myself. I was told that I’m over qualified for a $10/hour job and so far I don’t seem to qualify for anything I’ve applied. Could somebody please let me know if I have a gigantic DONOT HIRE sign on my forehead? I’m starting to feel like the 40-year-old virgin only with jobs. I wish people could understand; I do try.

My other weakness is that I think too much. I’ve had many people telling me the same thing including professional psychologists and lately my roommate Andy, who has a degree in psychology from Albany. He suggested that maybe my inability to physically process any kind of alcoholic beverage has forced me to think things through by myself under many tough circumstances. My brain has pretty much being in the 5^th gear since I could comprehend words. If only I could use all that energy at a job I’d probably be super rich by now.

More and more I feel like it is human nature to look for a sense of belonging, a niche where we feel some sort of equilibrium. Although I’m stressed out with the whole job thing, the lack of belonging and hopefulness is also starting to bother me. Everyone belongs to some sort of group, democrats, republicans, dart league, pool league, employed, unemployed, college educated, non-college educated, majority, minority, married, single, straight, gay, bi, whatever it is there seem to be a support group for it. I used to think I belonged with the musicians but those days are long gone. Now I don’t know where I fit in. I don’t play guitar, dance tango or go to school anymore. I will have been working at the same club on and off for five years this fall and I never felt I belonged there. My full time job is to look for a job. I loved Buenos Aires but I didn't belong there. People think I’m Chinese in the US and Chinese think I’m American in China. Where is the support group for people like me? Knowing that I belong to someone at end of the day makes it a bit easier to sleep at night, most of the time.